Here's the poop. Those wiseguys at King Pup take me for a spin every lunchtime and in return I agree to
cast a beady eye over the latest dog related developments and churn out a few words for the perusal of any dog enthusiasts in
earshot. It is I feel a quite satisfactory arrangement for the time being and one that I fully intend to maintain until such a time
as they've had enough of me, or I become blog-tired and decide to let sleeping blogs lie - whichever comes sooner.
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OK, so this really bothers me. It seems like these days some dogs will do anything to get their photo on the internet, including wearing glasses (yes, very cute) and doing human things like sitting under umbrellas. Who is this dog trying to kid?
It’s not as if you see pictures of humans sniffing each others butts online, is it? Although maybe someone can update me on that.
Mind you, this photo was taken in LA where I believe it’s not uncommon to see dogs on rollerblades, sipping lattes or even filing tax returns. Lassie will be spinning in her grave.
For want of a brain cell, the dog was lost. Apparently the whole “dog microchip” concoction has been something of a washout because all too many harebrained humans neglect to connect their details with the apparatus itself. You have to put your cellphone on file, cretins. But noooo….these bubble-heads think the chip’s some kind of global positioning device that pinpoints their dog to the nearest whisker, enabling helicopters to be dispatched…blah blah blah.
Fools. But what I don’t get is why humans fumble and putter with these grain-of-rice-sized electro-specks when it seems clear to me that a far better idea would simply be to issue all dogs with credit cards so that should they ever become lost they can just book themselves into the nearest hotel, curl up in front of the all-night Lassie special on TV-Land and catch a bus home in the morning. That’s generally what I do.
Let’s look at this stratagem a little more closely. I would estimate that the average dog bowl costs $5. Let’s presume he got a bulk deal and got them for $2 each. Now if I were the supplier I would charge an extra buck for guaranteeing an all-green batch. That’s a whopping $3 per bowl, which means a total dog bowl outlay of $1500 just to raise $4500…in change!
How many dog parks do you get for $3000 these days? There’s something seriously askew with the effort/reward ratio in this. Surely the most sensible and obvious course of action would have been to invest in $1500 worth of scratchcards, or am I missing something here?
Owners who are concerned about their dogs beginning to look like grounded airships should suspend all treats immediately, purchase suitable gym equipment and contact a reputable dog walking service like King Pup to book a few extra trots around the block per week.
EDIT: On further reflection I have decided that I was a little hasty in calling for the suspension of treats and more exercise - just get the liposuction. I have no idea why I didn’t think of this before - my bad.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like to put my paws up after a hard day’s sleep as much as the next dog. We are, as a species, entitled to a certain degree of Lassietude - except for those poor saps born with barrels of sherry around their necks or sleds tied to their mid sections.
But we’re dogs. Sloth comes instinctively and we simply can’t help it. The same can not be said for humans, who are born with responsibilities - the most important being to get off their behinds to wheel us around the block for a much deserved sniff and to unburden ourselves of the day’s collations and potables.
Which is why I, Bob the Dog, officially object to this latest addition to man’s repertoire of stupor-enabling technology. I give you, the doggie treadmill. Now Harry Human can sit on his can stuffing pistachio nuts into his overdeveloped cakehole while his poor, neglected dog gets to play Olivia Newton John on a contraption the injustice of which I will be reporting to the UN just as soon as I’m done with my next nap.
Dogs in Manhattan need dog walkers, not these implements of cruel barbarity. We have butts, trashbags and lampposts to sniff. We have designated spots to spray and defile on a daily basis. It’s not a race and you can’t pin medals to dogs anyway. Begone, doggie treadmill, you’re about as welcome as cat in the dog run. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go look for something under the bed for the next hour. I’ll see ya.
Poor Lindsay. She probably stands in front of her closet for an hour every night agonizing over which puppy to wear. It looks here like she gave up and brought one of her old high school pom-poms instead.
In answer to the question - no, I don’t think Hollywood stars look cuter with their puppies. A puppy is not a fashion accessory - it’s a living, breathing, poop machine. Perhaps a better question would have been - “Do Hollywood stars look cuter with puppy vomit splattered across their Luis Vuitton bags?”
Do NYC dog walkers look cuter with their puppies? Of course they do! There’s nothing uncuter than an NYC dog walker without one.
I was always under the impression that whippets maintained their twig-like physiques through a self disciplined regime of restrained kibble nibbling and isometric butt clenches, but it turns out that all they have to do is inherit the right number of MSTN genes from their parents.
Recipients of one mutated copy grow into lithe, prudently packed pooches destined for lives of getting up at 5am every morning to chase mechanical rabbits around frosty race tracks. But recipients of two of the genes - “bully whippets” (pictured) - are born looking like canine Charles Atlases and I presume more cut out for lives of kicking sand in the faces of chihuahuas at the beach and mugging the other dogs at obedience school for their lunch money.
They say that “no-one likes a bully” - and unfortunately in the case of these plentifully packed powerhouses, most are given the old heave-ho soon after birth by barbarous breeders for whom the idea of having such a brawny beefcake scampering about the place is a non starter.
But why? I’d bet my front left paw that these bully whippets would make excellent security guards…and I wouldn’t mind guessing that most New York City dog walkers would feel safer on their rounds with a few of these in tow. Step aside, string beans!
