Dog/Cat Warfare - How To Avoid It
September 10th, 2008
One thing which really gets under my whiskers is the tendency for humans to expend large amounts of effort conducting elaborate “studies” into animal behavior, without it ever occurring to them that all they have to do is ask us what they want to know.
Take this latest study into the relationship between dogs and cats, carried out by “experts” at the renowned Tel Aviv University. They spent months interviewing humans who own both animals, as well as poring over hundreds of hours of voyeuristic videotape featuring canine/feline interaction.
The result? A bunch of egg-headed hooey about body language and tail wagging. Folks - I live with a very feisty kitty named Waffles and the two of us get along just swell, despite him having an annoyingly saucy swagger and that all-round cock-eyed look which most cats seem to have.
Our secret is simple. Early in the relationship we scribed a legally binding covenant to which we both refer and appeal to every day. It’s a lengthy document and I’m not about to reproduce it in full here today…but I will give you a cursory glance at its essence, after which I presume most of you will be mentally equipped to go off and forge your own bespoke versions:
- All hissing, growling, spitting, moaning or ululating strictly prohibited. Both parties must agree to express their grievances to each other by means of plain and unambiguous English and must assent to the concept of “taking turns” while speaking.
- No teeth or claws may be used under any circumstances whatsoever. To half of this end, both parties must agree to periodic visits to the vet’s office for a demilitarizing claw-clip and will only be allowed back into the apartment subject to the passing of a test consisting of the party in question scraping his paws down a blackboard.
- Dogs do not eat cat food and cats do not eat dog food and that’s that. Exceptions will not be made for Bob’s Pedigree Choice Cuts Beef & Barley or Waffles’ Friskies Sea Food Favorites.
- Waffles agrees not to “paddle” in the communal water bowl used by both parties.
- Bob agrees not to tape Waffles’ cat flap shut when Waffles is outside and a thunderstorm commences. Waffles agrees that should this ever happen again, it is not serious enough to warrant a call to the 9th Precinct (apologies once again to Detective O’Keeffe)
- Waffles is barred from reading any book by or watching any TV show featuring Cesar Millan. Furthermore he is forbidden from utilizing anything that he has learned from the celebrity dog trainer before this ban was enforced.
- Bob agrees that Waffles does not look or sound remotely like Benny, Choo-Choo or any other character off of “Top Cat.” Waffles agrees that Bob’s nose does not look like he chased parked cars in his youth.
And so on. Remember that such an agreement is always going to be a “document in progress” and will be added to as new situations, disagreements or confrontations arise, such as the time last week when I unwittingly sleep-pooped in Waffles’ litter tray. But rest assured that while the likes of Tel Aviv University are spending millions on tail-wagging and back-arching simulations, pragmatic cats and dogs all over the world are forging their own armistice without the help of highbrow academics whose research grants would probably be put to better use by getting themselves nicer haircuts.
Bob - I don’t want to rake this up again but you did not “sleep poop” in my litter tray. I notice you didn’t bother telling your readers that I found your Sudoku book and a pen lying nearby. We’ve been through all of this before - you get the dog walker and I get the tray. I thought we’d already agreed that this was fair.